Dear Pilgrim,
I am glad that in spite of our inability to communicate via this medium, our exchanges continued via other channel. As I said during our recent chat, I am grateful to God for his blessings, and grace during this period of transition.
Pilgrim, thanks for pointing out the communication from one of our readers. The short note, pasted in my previous letter reads:
Dear Musue,
I am writing to ask, so what do you think happen if my husband is what you say is toxic? I stay away from him or go to marriage counselor?
This letter, though without much detail, holds a woman’s indecisiveness about her marriage. After reading the letter; attached also in the comments section of my previous letter, Stay Away from Toxicity, I began to reflect on some of the problems that negatively influence not only marriages, but also affect Relationships. As I ponder some of the basic problems, I turned to a few universal views of some of the problems that cause breakdown of Marriages and Relationship. In that terrain, I counted a few and the foremost is communication. The rest includes, Extra Marital Affairs, Imbalance between Job/Career and the Relationship, the influence of Family & Friends, and the list goes on.
As I reflect discussions on the topic of marriage and relationship, I then re-examined one of Tyler’s Perry’s show I had just watched, ‘The Marriage counselor. In that play, the main character who’s the Marriage Counselor, is successful from the professional stand point of a career and desired the attention of her husband. On the other hand, the husband, engrossed in his work is more concerned about completing one project after another and paying bills. The husband is truly not a good listener and is lacking in communication skills when it comes to what the wife is actually saying in regards to their relationship. The show is typical of the challenges of many persons struggling to make marriages and relationship work. The theme of the play demonstrates the need to be more aware of basic problems in marriage and relationships in order to evaluate what communication skills can be developed and improved upon in relationships. I see "Marriage Counselor" as a play indicative of the challenges a relationship presents when there is a flaw in communication. I do hope more families faced with challenges in relationships can take a moment to watch this play. I learned from the play that the success or crash of a marriage usually depends on how couples deal with the issues in their lives.
In addition to the important points featured in Tyler Perry’s Marriage Counselor, and other prominent works, another salient problem in marriages and relationship pointed out by Praveenben is the issue of ego. Ego has to do with self-absorption, (focusing only on oneself- what I want, what I need, what I deserve, what I am thinking about, etc) which affects the ability for couples to feel the oneness that should exist in relationship. The presence of ego by one partner gives rise to conflict; it brings about selfishness, and several other problems. Though in all marriages and relationships, problems arise, however giving up selfishness helps couples to communicate appropriately, find common ground, build trust, and work together as one, thereby dissolving most marriage and relationship problems.
Pilgrim, in my search for answers to our reader’s question about whether to stay in her marriage or abandon the marriage, I also delve into the Bible, and came across a few verses that discussed the values that promote growth in marriages and relationships.
Hebrews 13:4, stressed: “Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”
This Hebrew verse concisely states that Marriage is highly esteemed as one of God's own instituting, and as highly calculated to produce the best interests of mankind. Every man must cleave to his own wife, and every wife cleave to her own husband, because God will judge, and punish, all fornicators and adulterers. We should always remember, that though secret sins may escape the eyes of our partners, but a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord, who not only sees, but wonder about all his goings. Isn’t that interesting!
Proverbs 5:18-20 states “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.”
In summary, the verse implores husbands to make the wife happy by keeping to her and from others; by behaving in a loving, pleasant, and respectful manner to her; and by living comfortably with her, and providing well for her and her children: or reckon her a happiness, a blessing from God. Let’s assume that giving our economic hardship, the husband cannot provide his wife’s material needs, that doesn’t mean he cannot love, respect and cherish her. Those basic values are even more valuable than material things.
Another bible verse associated with relationships and marriages is Ephesians 4:29. The verse maintained, “Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
When I read Ephesians 4: 29, I was immediately transported to two verses, Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and he that loves it will eat from its fruit,” and Matthew 12:37 reads; "The tongue is the instrument either of a great deal of good, or of a great deal of evil.” How true are these verses? We know that Words can hurt, words can encourage. Use words wisely because once leaving your mouth they cannot be taken back, and who knows, they may forever reign.
Other bible verses to also look at include, Thessalonians 5:11: So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing; Ephesians 5:28 - In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.
Pilgrim, since our friend was not specific about her problems, it’s is important to look at a few issues that shaken the foundation of relationships. Trust is one of the major backbones of a relationship. Everyone knows that a relationship needs solid trust in order to really thrive. It’s no secret that the best relationships are the ones built on strong trust, love, and communication. If there are some problems with trust in a relationship, then there they will cause further relationship problems. Let’s hope our friend is not faced with trust issues. Is our friend having communication problems in her relationship? Communication is one of the most important things a relationship needs to succeed. If there is little to no communication in a relationship, problems are bound to arise and the relationship will more than likely not last long.
In addition to allowing God to serve as Captain, I would also appeal that our reader discuss her concerns with her spouse. Both parties can then decide on what can be done to ensure that they are contented. In addition, I would like to suggest a technique that I learned several years ago, while contemplating the decision to return home after several years in exile. For our reader, I suggest that she draw a line down in the middle of a piece of paper. On one side, she should write about the good qualities of her spouse, and on the other side, she should write about the bad things. Her spouse should do the same thing. After writing everything down, they would look at the paper and see if the good outweighs the bad. I sincerely believe this strategy can really open up your eyes to see the big picture and it will let them think about things both good and bad. Hopefully, they can begin to communicate effectively, build up the relationship, and most importantly, pray together.
I do hope Pilgrim, that our reader puts her trust in God, and allow Him to guide her in making decisions regarding her marriage. And let’s keep praying for one another.
always,
musue
