Dear Pilgrim,
I pray that this new day brings great things to you and your family. I pray that the weeks ahead give you patience to face the challenges ahead. At my end, I am learning to find patience to endure whatever it is I am facing and will face in the coming days, weeks, months and years. I am learning to look toward God, fully aware that He will give me understanding and clarity of my purpose in life. I want to be patient; knowing that he has not forgotten about me. Oh, yes, I am aware of his promises, I believe his promises, but I am still learning to demonstrate my awareness and belief in His promises for me. So let the “Judges” take care in making judgments about my spirituality and belief in God. Say AMEN to that!
I am learning to wait on God in the matter of being prayerful , thankful and praising God in advance for what is about to take place in my life. Isaiah 40:31: "Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” So I want to wait on God with a spirit of great expectations. “Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” (Romans 12:12)
And to you my brethren; particularly those faced with family challenges; those dealing with relationship problems, God wants you to be happy; God wants your family to be happy. The bible clearly tells us this in Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”
Pilgrim, today in our society, we are aware that there are many of us burdened by problems that take away our happiness. While we desire and seek happiness, let us remember that money, wealth and material things shouldn’t be the benchmark for happiness. For we know that there are many things in this world that can bring us temporary joy and happiness – plenty money, business success, good health, smiling family, large number of friends. But we know that no worldly thing can bring lasting joy and happiness. That’s because, we might become poor; we may lose our jobs; we can fail at business; we can become sick and lose our health, or, by separation or death, lose our partners, or spouse or our friends, and then the happiness that borders on any of those things will be gone. This tells us that life is far more valuable than possessing even all the world, but if we live a purely selfish life we will lose it.
In Matthew 10:39, Jesus taught: "He that findeth his life [life outside of God’s will] shall lose it: and he that loseth [look beyond worldly] his life for my sake shall find it". Clearly, Jesus wants his disciples to know an important truth about life and happiness. Denying [one] self, [of worldly things, material things] so as to believe and obey God is the way to life and happiness. The humble, selfless, teachable [apt and willing to learn] person who allows him/her to be disciplined by God’s word is the truly happy one - not the one who lives and or craves for wealth or for self! Let’s look again at the preceding sentence. In that sentence, we see that the first person is God-centered, and worships God; the second person is self-centered and in reality only worships self! Say AMEN to that!
Remember, throughout the Good Book, Jesus did not promise His disciples that they will sleep or walk on “bed of roses” or receive things on “silver platter.” Jesus promised his guidance, and help and producing peace of mind and true happiness in believing in the Words of God. By keeping our eyes on God, and by recognizing and appreciating the good things he has given us, we will experience inner peace and happiness in the knowledge that God is our Heavenly Father; that he loves us; cares for us and that no matter what circumstances we face, God’s plans for us are good.
What happiness do we then desire: temporary or enduring happiness?
Given what we have read in the Bible, and based on our experiences in life, we can say with confidence that large flow of cash gives temporary happiness, because while that cash flows, we become engrossed in acquiring more cash and ensuring that the flow continues without halt. However, when we depend on the cash for happiness, and that flow becomes disrupted, we lose our happiness. We also know that expensive and fancy cars can break down and become irreparable. If we hold on to that car for happiness, when it crashes, it carries with it our happiness. If we depend on our pocket to fulfill our roles in bringing harmony in our family, when our pockets become low or empty, we become sad and unhappy thereby bringing stress and unhappiness to our family. If our happiness in dependent on job; when we lose the job we then revert to being sad – what a state of zig-zag-ness! The fact is no condition is permanent.
On the other hand, if we appreciate God’s blessings - even the smallest good things in our lives, we will appreciate his love and then embrace happiness in our lives. We must recognize that God wants you and your family life to be happy. His Word, the Bible, provides guidelines for each family member; describing the role that God wants each one to play. When family members fulfill their roles in harmony with God’s guidance and direction, the results are very satisfying. Jesus said: “Happy are those hearing the word of God and keeping it!”—Luke 11:28. That’s because the more we hear something, the more we like it - it grows on us, and it takes over us.
Family happiness depends mainly on our recognizing that the family originates with God, the one Jesus called “Our Father.”(Matthew 6:9) Every family on earth exists because of our heavenly Father—and he certainly knows what makes families happy. (Ephesians 3:14, 15)
Let’s look at two bible verses that speak directly to our hearts about worldly things: Hebrews 13:5 says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you.” Ecclesiastes 7:14 also states:
“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.”
Like American author, Dale Carnegie, (1888-1955) said, “Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.”
Remember always that God’s plans for us are good. If we learn to appreciate the little things in our lives, we are bound to see the great things God has for us. However, if we continue to grieve, become sad and allow our sadness, anger and frustrations to steal the happiness and peace of those around us, we are bound to remain blind to the small windows of opportunities before us. In Matthew 6-33, Jesus promised that real, lasting happiness, along with God’s provision of all our essential needs, will be ours, if we "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.”
As you prepare for another day, remember, God wants you to succeed and prosper, and He has given you the blueprint to make you happy!
Therefore, rather than dwell on the challenges and begin thinking negatively, why not begin to look at the positives and be thankful for what God is doing and has done in your life. Listen to the voice of God to gain wisdom and understanding. Most of all, fear not the difficulties, the frustrations and circumstances of life but rather lean on God for guidance and understanding, and you will begin to see the good things in your life. Remember that like a parent who loves and cherishes his/her child, and wishes good deeds for that child, God has invested heavily in you, and His plans for you and for all of his children are good.
Always,
musue
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Marriage Counselor: When Punishment Is the Order of the Day
Dear Pilgrim,
Isn’t this another beautiful day – a day that the Lord has made. Rather than sit here and allow my beautiful brain to be consumed by problems, I am endeavoring to rejoice and be glad today.
Pilgrim, I wish I had started my day with this idea- imagine how my morning would have started. You are aware that it is important to start your day with God, and recognize that our steps are ordered by God. When we start our day with God, we don’t get side tracked if things do not go the way we expect them to happen. Secondly, if we start our day with God, we begin the day by standing on the principles and promises of God. Additionally, when we start our day with God, He will cover us and give us grace to survive the storms of life. Don’t we want that ticket to live well and follow the plans that are laid out before us by God?
Pilgrim let us look at some verses that may help us understand the power of God in our lives. Proverbs 16:9 states, “A man’s mind plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure.” Then Proverbs 20:24, “Man’s steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?” Isn’t it wonderful to be encouraged every morning and step with the knowledge that God is guiding our every move?
Pilgrim, I think I need to pray for the strength and determination to begin my day with God. Perhaps, that way, the ridiculous things that occupy my mind and heart will just be thrown along the way side. I will then muster the courage to avoid such distractions, and move on the path to fulfilling my God given destiny.
I want my steps to be ordered by the Lord, rather than spend my time delving into the unnecessary problems, and challenges we face.
In all of these, I keep reflecting on the numerous problems couples face- the lil ones revealed during Marriage Counseling. It is truly disheartening to see how one person can eat at the joy and peace of another person. In my view, no man or woman should have the power to steal the happiness of another person, especially when it comes to relationships. When I observe Marriage Counseling sessions, or sit in on one; I see and hear pain; I see and hear control; I see and hear pleads; then there is emotional abuse, among other issues that leave one or both persons unloved, unwanted, unappreciated and sad.
Let look at excerpts of comments of some of the problems some couples face in their marriage. As you read through them, remember that these are true life stories, and the identities are what were provided by the individuals:
Cherry: His body language or lack of saying anything tells me over and over I’m no longer important to him. I told him I feel like he’s sick of me, and that he no longer is interested ……to which he says otherwise.
Mr. Falcon: I live in a marriage that’s without intimacy. I had so many denials from my wife, which made me feel like a dog lying at her feet to be thrown a bone once in a while. If I were lucky to have an intimacy, it was more as a favor than a passionate act of love, which made me, feel like a dog. I no longer feel any physical attraction to her. With the physical attraction gone, the emotional attraction followed.
Amy: I'm guessing that he is a man of haunting secrets - not sure what, though. In the end, we all have our own threshold in terms of when "enough's enough." It's a painful journey and some people never give up and some do. I just didn't want to look back upon my life with deep regret.
Now, my mind keeps going back to the previous session I watched in which the wife was unaware that her husband's punishment was because of his wife's unacceptance of her husband's 22 year old son's behavior, and the wife's reluctance to invest in the husband family's property. The question then becomes, why punish someone for such things? Truly, is the husband's lukewarm attitude to the wife because of her reluctance to invest in the husband family's property, rather than they acquiring their own property? Could the husband actually be using his wife's reluctance to invest in his family's property as an excuse for his scorn and lack of affection towards his wife? In the same vein, could he also be showing his actual indifferent feelings towards his wife, but using his wife's reluctance towards his adult son's behavior to conceal his actual lack of affection for his wife? Is is also possible that the husband is no longer interested in his wife and just finding an excuse to justify his lack of interest?
Listening to each of the persons above, and the questions that some of the situations raises tell us that many families are living in tears and fears, rather than harmony, if not happiness.
Now, what does the bible tell us about love and partnership? Proverbs 18:22 is a very significant verse with regard to spousal appreciation. Now, this has to do with the wife--but it also could have to do with the husband. Proverb: 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife (husband) finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord" (NKJV). The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose, and not a place where one person punishes, or renders judgment on another person or persons.
God’s desire for two can be seen in the Bible. Let’s look at Genesis 2. In Genesis 2, God created Adam. And He looked at Adam and He said, "Oh, Adam, you just don't have anybody like you. God created people so as to need and find fulfillment in human companionship. Genesis 2:18: "The Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’”
Let's look keenly at Proverbs 18:22. It teaches us two concepts. The first is that when you find a spouse, you find someone agreeable to you. And the second is that you find favor with God in the process of doing that. So, whoever finds a wife, for husbands, finds what God has made agreeable or pleasant. That means, God believes in family, and in his eyes, the Family is divine in purpose, and not a place for despising, and scorning what God has created in his own image.
The bible, and all religious practices tell us that God’s purposes for marriage and family life give us the best opportunities for family fulfillment. The family fulfillment includes companionship, procreation, and nurture, among other.
Companionship is a basic purpose of God for marriage and family life. Companionship is illustrated in the bible: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him’” (Genesis 2:18). “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Companionship is a basic purpose of God for marriage and family life. Affection as part of companionship is therefore a God-ordained means of overcoming the essential loneliness of human existence.
Nurture is another fundamental purpose of God for families. “Now if anyone does not provide for his own relatives, and especially for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
Now for some who treat their partners with indifference, such attitudes don’t demonstrate that your spouse is a gift from God. When we treat our partners with indifference, and or scorn, those attitudes is an indication that you see your spouse as a gift to yo; a gift from the world to you that you can bolt, jerk and do whatever with as you pleases. And we're aware that in relationship based on God's purposes, we are not talking about a controlling interest here; we're talking about a partnership between two people in which God is the Senior Partner.
Pilgrim, we know that in relationship; just any relationship, the reality is when you have one person who appreciates the other but it's not reciprocal, you tend to grow apart. Isn't that true? But when you have a husband who thinks his wife is the best thing, and a wife who thinks her husband is the best thing, when you think that your spouse is God's gift to you; and you accept him or her as the very best God has for you; and you see it as the best possible gift that God could ever have [for you], then you grow together, there is harmony and God smiles.
Well, well. It’s time to leave you again Pilgrim. I hope and pray that all is well with you and your family. Start your day with God by living the dreams that come from God.
Always,
musue
Isn’t this another beautiful day – a day that the Lord has made. Rather than sit here and allow my beautiful brain to be consumed by problems, I am endeavoring to rejoice and be glad today.
Pilgrim, I wish I had started my day with this idea- imagine how my morning would have started. You are aware that it is important to start your day with God, and recognize that our steps are ordered by God. When we start our day with God, we don’t get side tracked if things do not go the way we expect them to happen. Secondly, if we start our day with God, we begin the day by standing on the principles and promises of God. Additionally, when we start our day with God, He will cover us and give us grace to survive the storms of life. Don’t we want that ticket to live well and follow the plans that are laid out before us by God?
Pilgrim let us look at some verses that may help us understand the power of God in our lives. Proverbs 16:9 states, “A man’s mind plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure.” Then Proverbs 20:24, “Man’s steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?” Isn’t it wonderful to be encouraged every morning and step with the knowledge that God is guiding our every move?
Pilgrim, I think I need to pray for the strength and determination to begin my day with God. Perhaps, that way, the ridiculous things that occupy my mind and heart will just be thrown along the way side. I will then muster the courage to avoid such distractions, and move on the path to fulfilling my God given destiny.
I want my steps to be ordered by the Lord, rather than spend my time delving into the unnecessary problems, and challenges we face.
In all of these, I keep reflecting on the numerous problems couples face- the lil ones revealed during Marriage Counseling. It is truly disheartening to see how one person can eat at the joy and peace of another person. In my view, no man or woman should have the power to steal the happiness of another person, especially when it comes to relationships. When I observe Marriage Counseling sessions, or sit in on one; I see and hear pain; I see and hear control; I see and hear pleads; then there is emotional abuse, among other issues that leave one or both persons unloved, unwanted, unappreciated and sad.
Let look at excerpts of comments of some of the problems some couples face in their marriage. As you read through them, remember that these are true life stories, and the identities are what were provided by the individuals:
Cherry: His body language or lack of saying anything tells me over and over I’m no longer important to him. I told him I feel like he’s sick of me, and that he no longer is interested ……to which he says otherwise.
Mr. Falcon: I live in a marriage that’s without intimacy. I had so many denials from my wife, which made me feel like a dog lying at her feet to be thrown a bone once in a while. If I were lucky to have an intimacy, it was more as a favor than a passionate act of love, which made me, feel like a dog. I no longer feel any physical attraction to her. With the physical attraction gone, the emotional attraction followed.
Amy: I'm guessing that he is a man of haunting secrets - not sure what, though. In the end, we all have our own threshold in terms of when "enough's enough." It's a painful journey and some people never give up and some do. I just didn't want to look back upon my life with deep regret.
Now, my mind keeps going back to the previous session I watched in which the wife was unaware that her husband's punishment was because of his wife's unacceptance of her husband's 22 year old son's behavior, and the wife's reluctance to invest in the husband family's property. The question then becomes, why punish someone for such things? Truly, is the husband's lukewarm attitude to the wife because of her reluctance to invest in the husband family's property, rather than they acquiring their own property? Could the husband actually be using his wife's reluctance to invest in his family's property as an excuse for his scorn and lack of affection towards his wife? In the same vein, could he also be showing his actual indifferent feelings towards his wife, but using his wife's reluctance towards his adult son's behavior to conceal his actual lack of affection for his wife? Is is also possible that the husband is no longer interested in his wife and just finding an excuse to justify his lack of interest?
Listening to each of the persons above, and the questions that some of the situations raises tell us that many families are living in tears and fears, rather than harmony, if not happiness.
Now, what does the bible tell us about love and partnership? Proverbs 18:22 is a very significant verse with regard to spousal appreciation. Now, this has to do with the wife--but it also could have to do with the husband. Proverb: 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife (husband) finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord" (NKJV). The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose, and not a place where one person punishes, or renders judgment on another person or persons.
God’s desire for two can be seen in the Bible. Let’s look at Genesis 2. In Genesis 2, God created Adam. And He looked at Adam and He said, "Oh, Adam, you just don't have anybody like you. God created people so as to need and find fulfillment in human companionship. Genesis 2:18: "The Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’”
Let's look keenly at Proverbs 18:22. It teaches us two concepts. The first is that when you find a spouse, you find someone agreeable to you. And the second is that you find favor with God in the process of doing that. So, whoever finds a wife, for husbands, finds what God has made agreeable or pleasant. That means, God believes in family, and in his eyes, the Family is divine in purpose, and not a place for despising, and scorning what God has created in his own image.
The bible, and all religious practices tell us that God’s purposes for marriage and family life give us the best opportunities for family fulfillment. The family fulfillment includes companionship, procreation, and nurture, among other.
Companionship is a basic purpose of God for marriage and family life. Companionship is illustrated in the bible: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him’” (Genesis 2:18). “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Companionship is a basic purpose of God for marriage and family life. Affection as part of companionship is therefore a God-ordained means of overcoming the essential loneliness of human existence.
Nurture is another fundamental purpose of God for families. “Now if anyone does not provide for his own relatives, and especially for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
Now for some who treat their partners with indifference, such attitudes don’t demonstrate that your spouse is a gift from God. When we treat our partners with indifference, and or scorn, those attitudes is an indication that you see your spouse as a gift to yo; a gift from the world to you that you can bolt, jerk and do whatever with as you pleases. And we're aware that in relationship based on God's purposes, we are not talking about a controlling interest here; we're talking about a partnership between two people in which God is the Senior Partner.
Pilgrim, we know that in relationship; just any relationship, the reality is when you have one person who appreciates the other but it's not reciprocal, you tend to grow apart. Isn't that true? But when you have a husband who thinks his wife is the best thing, and a wife who thinks her husband is the best thing, when you think that your spouse is God's gift to you; and you accept him or her as the very best God has for you; and you see it as the best possible gift that God could ever have [for you], then you grow together, there is harmony and God smiles.
Well, well. It’s time to leave you again Pilgrim. I hope and pray that all is well with you and your family. Start your day with God by living the dreams that come from God.
Always,
musue
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Marriage Counselor: When You Are the Beast
Dear Pilgrim,
Hope the New Year started on a wonderful note. At my end, I cannot be more thankful to God for his grace and mercy. I thank God for allowing us to see 2012, and the beauty of his Glory that abounds in the world. I continue to ask for his grace, mercy, and manifestation of his presence in my life. And as selfish as that may sound, I crave not my strength, but his strength and wisdom every day.
I realize that when I fellowship, I feel lifted, but if I do not, I feel burdened. How I wish I could always muster the courage, and remember to always call on him.
Pilgrim, in our last communication, we discussed some problems that negatively influence not only marriages, but also affect Relationships. In that communication, we enumerated a few of those problems: break down of communication, or mis- communication, extra marital affairs, imbalance between Job/Career and the Relationship, the influence of Family & Friends, and the list goes on. Today I like to share with you an event that remains printed on my mind. I know that once I honestly share this Marriage counseling experience, I will feel less burdened. The experience in question occurred yesterday, while I observed a Marriage Counseling session. At the session, two persons happily walked in and sat before the Christian Counselor. Initially, they chatted and seemed happy. The Marriage Counselor started the session with a prayer that the couple appeared to enjoy. The prayer ended with a big AMEN.
After the booming "Amen," my attention was drawn to what seemed to be insistent gestures by the hands and assertiveness on the faces of two persons at the Marriage Counseling session. It was at that moment, I moved my chair closer to listen to their grievances, and hopefully learned some of the Christian Counseling strategies that would be applied at that session. As I listened, I heard the husband accused the wife of “hating” his young adult son who’s 22 years old. The husband added that he was unhappy that his own son could not live in their apartment, but her six years old son could live in the apartment. The wife insisted that she doesn’t hate the husband’s son, but cannot condone his attitude of not speaking to her, and lying on her about returning money she had given him to purchase an item. Though the boy didn’t purchase the item, he also didn’t return the money. She added that because the husband's son is an adult, she can not reprimand him as she could her own son. When the wife informed her husband who went to ask his son about the money his wife had given him to purchase some items, the boy insisted that he had returned the money. The husband then informed the wife about the boy’s insistence that he had given her the money. The wife says in addition to the son’s refusal to speak to her, his claim that he had returned the money were attitudes she found difficult to understand or accept. The husband said he was disappointed that his wife couldn’t live with his young adult son as she is with her six year old son. In addition, the husband said the wife must recognize and take comfort in the fact that he (husband) is a disciplinary, and doesn’t take kindly to inappropriate behavior. To conclude, the husband added that he is unhappy that he is not living under the same roof with his son, only because he is trying to avoid making his wife “uncomfortable.”
As the discussion slowed, but didn’t end, I thought about children of today, and our own days when we were children. Young people today mock, ridicule, and openly flaunt their parents and other adults. Such conduct is encouraged by many aspects of society and is ignored or excused by many parents and caregivers. Ephesians 6:2, 3 -- Parents have God-given authority and have generally done much good for the children. They deserve to receive respectful treatment, including respectful speech and attitudes. (Matthew. 15:4; Prov. 6:20-23; 15:5; 23:22.) As I skimmed through the bible about verses that speak about raising children, I was stunned by a few bold ones, including: Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. I looked at Deuteronomy 21:18-21, and Leviticus 20:9, but quickly closed my book on those two verses.
As I sat there listening to the exchanges, I was baffled at some avoidable problems that crop up in relationships. Thse avoidable problems destroy promising relationships because one partner is either looking at one side of the situation, or frankly doesn't care about the how these things can undermine basic values in the relationship. Then again, I wondered how the Marriage Counselor would help the couple find a common ground. But just as I propped myself up in my seat when all eyes turned to the Marriage Counselor, the husband again took the stage. This time, his concern wasn’t about his son, but a promise that his wife made, but in his eyes, she has failed to fulfill the promise. Apparently, the wife had promised to help her husband complete a farming project he had initiated a few seasons ago. According to the husband, contrary to her promise, his wife hadn’t done so. In her defense, the wife said, aside the difficulties in transitioning, which would have made it impossible to embark on such a project so soon, she also hadn’t realized that the farming project was her husband’s family project, and not his alone, something she wasn’t aware of when she initially said she would help in completing.
The husband said he felt pained by the two situations, and his lukewarm attitude towards his wife and their relationship stemmed from what he considers his wife’s betrayal. The wife on the other hand expressed disappointment at her husband’s judgment in the situations, and wondered whether her husband sees her as a beast for the stance she had taken regarding his adult son, who refuses to speak to her, and engaging in a project that belongs to his family. The wife then began narrating some of the responses from her husband, and how sometimes she feels that her husband loathe, despise and hate her. “I didn’t know that it is because of these things you treat me like a trash,” the wife said with bewilderment in her eyes. The husband responded, "It pains me that you did not keep your promise to complete the farming project." The wife stressed, "I have not refused engaging in a project with you. I offered that we establish our own project, but you refused. You did not tell me that that project you informed me about belongs to your family."
The Marriage Counselor looked at both persons, and asked whether by speaking their feelings, they felt any relief. It was at that moment, my phone rang and I ran out to meet my colleagues. As I narrated the counseling session scenario to my colleagues, rather than discussed directly the issues from the counseling session, they moved the lecture to another level. Now here’s an excerpt of my colleague’s discussion:
Ernest: Appreciating your spouse is the recipe for creating a happy marriage. That means, everything in relationship - personal or professional relationship boils down to love and appreciation. Once there is some balance from both parties, all situations can be discussed and resolved.
Wanda: Ah, ah. Well, of all the people we appreciate in our lives, if we're married, most of us would say our spouse is at the top of the list. But saying that we appreciate them and showing them our appreciation are two different things.
Ernest: Yes, they are. Just ask any spouse. Most of us do not think that we are appreciated as much as we ought to be. But you know what? That requires two things. First, spouses have to be deliberate is showing compassion, and in showing appreciation for their spouse, but spouses have to recognize those responses as well. The responsibility goes both ways. We have to try harder at both ends.
Wanda: If you're guilty for taking your spouse for granted, then stay tuned because there’s a God's perspective on why our significant other is so amazingly significant.
The discussion between Wanda and Ernest faded as we moved on the congested streets. And our discussion moved from the counseling session to the traffic jammed in the city. I hope that people realized that the family needs to be a place of demonstrated love, and not a place to sow seeds of hatred. People must learn that there are two kinds of ways to say, "I love you." One is to say it; and one is to do it. The fact is that we don't choose between the two. We have to both demonstrate love and tell people we love them.
I pray that our friends at the counseling sessions will allow God to become a part of their lives. In that way, they can travel light, and grow from within.
Always,
musue
Hope the New Year started on a wonderful note. At my end, I cannot be more thankful to God for his grace and mercy. I thank God for allowing us to see 2012, and the beauty of his Glory that abounds in the world. I continue to ask for his grace, mercy, and manifestation of his presence in my life. And as selfish as that may sound, I crave not my strength, but his strength and wisdom every day.
I realize that when I fellowship, I feel lifted, but if I do not, I feel burdened. How I wish I could always muster the courage, and remember to always call on him.
Pilgrim, in our last communication, we discussed some problems that negatively influence not only marriages, but also affect Relationships. In that communication, we enumerated a few of those problems: break down of communication, or mis- communication, extra marital affairs, imbalance between Job/Career and the Relationship, the influence of Family & Friends, and the list goes on. Today I like to share with you an event that remains printed on my mind. I know that once I honestly share this Marriage counseling experience, I will feel less burdened. The experience in question occurred yesterday, while I observed a Marriage Counseling session. At the session, two persons happily walked in and sat before the Christian Counselor. Initially, they chatted and seemed happy. The Marriage Counselor started the session with a prayer that the couple appeared to enjoy. The prayer ended with a big AMEN.
After the booming "Amen," my attention was drawn to what seemed to be insistent gestures by the hands and assertiveness on the faces of two persons at the Marriage Counseling session. It was at that moment, I moved my chair closer to listen to their grievances, and hopefully learned some of the Christian Counseling strategies that would be applied at that session. As I listened, I heard the husband accused the wife of “hating” his young adult son who’s 22 years old. The husband added that he was unhappy that his own son could not live in their apartment, but her six years old son could live in the apartment. The wife insisted that she doesn’t hate the husband’s son, but cannot condone his attitude of not speaking to her, and lying on her about returning money she had given him to purchase an item. Though the boy didn’t purchase the item, he also didn’t return the money. She added that because the husband's son is an adult, she can not reprimand him as she could her own son. When the wife informed her husband who went to ask his son about the money his wife had given him to purchase some items, the boy insisted that he had returned the money. The husband then informed the wife about the boy’s insistence that he had given her the money. The wife says in addition to the son’s refusal to speak to her, his claim that he had returned the money were attitudes she found difficult to understand or accept. The husband said he was disappointed that his wife couldn’t live with his young adult son as she is with her six year old son. In addition, the husband said the wife must recognize and take comfort in the fact that he (husband) is a disciplinary, and doesn’t take kindly to inappropriate behavior. To conclude, the husband added that he is unhappy that he is not living under the same roof with his son, only because he is trying to avoid making his wife “uncomfortable.”
As the discussion slowed, but didn’t end, I thought about children of today, and our own days when we were children. Young people today mock, ridicule, and openly flaunt their parents and other adults. Such conduct is encouraged by many aspects of society and is ignored or excused by many parents and caregivers. Ephesians 6:2, 3 -- Parents have God-given authority and have generally done much good for the children. They deserve to receive respectful treatment, including respectful speech and attitudes. (Matthew. 15:4; Prov. 6:20-23; 15:5; 23:22.) As I skimmed through the bible about verses that speak about raising children, I was stunned by a few bold ones, including: Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. I looked at Deuteronomy 21:18-21, and Leviticus 20:9, but quickly closed my book on those two verses.
As I sat there listening to the exchanges, I was baffled at some avoidable problems that crop up in relationships. Thse avoidable problems destroy promising relationships because one partner is either looking at one side of the situation, or frankly doesn't care about the how these things can undermine basic values in the relationship. Then again, I wondered how the Marriage Counselor would help the couple find a common ground. But just as I propped myself up in my seat when all eyes turned to the Marriage Counselor, the husband again took the stage. This time, his concern wasn’t about his son, but a promise that his wife made, but in his eyes, she has failed to fulfill the promise. Apparently, the wife had promised to help her husband complete a farming project he had initiated a few seasons ago. According to the husband, contrary to her promise, his wife hadn’t done so. In her defense, the wife said, aside the difficulties in transitioning, which would have made it impossible to embark on such a project so soon, she also hadn’t realized that the farming project was her husband’s family project, and not his alone, something she wasn’t aware of when she initially said she would help in completing.
The husband said he felt pained by the two situations, and his lukewarm attitude towards his wife and their relationship stemmed from what he considers his wife’s betrayal. The wife on the other hand expressed disappointment at her husband’s judgment in the situations, and wondered whether her husband sees her as a beast for the stance she had taken regarding his adult son, who refuses to speak to her, and engaging in a project that belongs to his family. The wife then began narrating some of the responses from her husband, and how sometimes she feels that her husband loathe, despise and hate her. “I didn’t know that it is because of these things you treat me like a trash,” the wife said with bewilderment in her eyes. The husband responded, "It pains me that you did not keep your promise to complete the farming project." The wife stressed, "I have not refused engaging in a project with you. I offered that we establish our own project, but you refused. You did not tell me that that project you informed me about belongs to your family."
The Marriage Counselor looked at both persons, and asked whether by speaking their feelings, they felt any relief. It was at that moment, my phone rang and I ran out to meet my colleagues. As I narrated the counseling session scenario to my colleagues, rather than discussed directly the issues from the counseling session, they moved the lecture to another level. Now here’s an excerpt of my colleague’s discussion:
Ernest: Appreciating your spouse is the recipe for creating a happy marriage. That means, everything in relationship - personal or professional relationship boils down to love and appreciation. Once there is some balance from both parties, all situations can be discussed and resolved.
Wanda: Ah, ah. Well, of all the people we appreciate in our lives, if we're married, most of us would say our spouse is at the top of the list. But saying that we appreciate them and showing them our appreciation are two different things.
Ernest: Yes, they are. Just ask any spouse. Most of us do not think that we are appreciated as much as we ought to be. But you know what? That requires two things. First, spouses have to be deliberate is showing compassion, and in showing appreciation for their spouse, but spouses have to recognize those responses as well. The responsibility goes both ways. We have to try harder at both ends.
Wanda: If you're guilty for taking your spouse for granted, then stay tuned because there’s a God's perspective on why our significant other is so amazingly significant.
The discussion between Wanda and Ernest faded as we moved on the congested streets. And our discussion moved from the counseling session to the traffic jammed in the city. I hope that people realized that the family needs to be a place of demonstrated love, and not a place to sow seeds of hatred. People must learn that there are two kinds of ways to say, "I love you." One is to say it; and one is to do it. The fact is that we don't choose between the two. We have to both demonstrate love and tell people we love them.
I pray that our friends at the counseling sessions will allow God to become a part of their lives. In that way, they can travel light, and grow from within.
Always,
musue
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