Dear Pilgrim,
Hope the New Year started on a wonderful note. At my end, I cannot be more thankful to God for his grace and mercy. I thank God for allowing us to see 2012, and the beauty of his Glory that abounds in the world. I continue to ask for his grace, mercy, and manifestation of his presence in my life. And as selfish as that may sound, I crave not my strength, but his strength and wisdom every day.
I realize that when I fellowship, I feel lifted, but if I do not, I feel burdened. How I wish I could always muster the courage, and remember to always call on him.
Pilgrim, in our last communication, we discussed some problems that negatively influence not only marriages, but also affect Relationships. In that communication, we enumerated a few of those problems: break down of communication, or mis- communication, extra marital affairs, imbalance between Job/Career and the Relationship, the influence of Family & Friends, and the list goes on. Today I like to share with you an event that remains printed on my mind. I know that once I honestly share this Marriage counseling experience, I will feel less burdened. The experience in question occurred yesterday, while I observed a Marriage Counseling session. At the session, two persons happily walked in and sat before the Christian Counselor. Initially, they chatted and seemed happy. The Marriage Counselor started the session with a prayer that the couple appeared to enjoy. The prayer ended with a big AMEN.
After the booming "Amen," my attention was drawn to what seemed to be insistent gestures by the hands and assertiveness on the faces of two persons at the Marriage Counseling session. It was at that moment, I moved my chair closer to listen to their grievances, and hopefully learned some of the Christian Counseling strategies that would be applied at that session. As I listened, I heard the husband accused the wife of “hating” his young adult son who’s 22 years old. The husband added that he was unhappy that his own son could not live in their apartment, but her six years old son could live in the apartment. The wife insisted that she doesn’t hate the husband’s son, but cannot condone his attitude of not speaking to her, and lying on her about returning money she had given him to purchase an item. Though the boy didn’t purchase the item, he also didn’t return the money. She added that because the husband's son is an adult, she can not reprimand him as she could her own son. When the wife informed her husband who went to ask his son about the money his wife had given him to purchase some items, the boy insisted that he had returned the money. The husband then informed the wife about the boy’s insistence that he had given her the money. The wife says in addition to the son’s refusal to speak to her, his claim that he had returned the money were attitudes she found difficult to understand or accept. The husband said he was disappointed that his wife couldn’t live with his young adult son as she is with her six year old son. In addition, the husband said the wife must recognize and take comfort in the fact that he (husband) is a disciplinary, and doesn’t take kindly to inappropriate behavior. To conclude, the husband added that he is unhappy that he is not living under the same roof with his son, only because he is trying to avoid making his wife “uncomfortable.”
As the discussion slowed, but didn’t end, I thought about children of today, and our own days when we were children. Young people today mock, ridicule, and openly flaunt their parents and other adults. Such conduct is encouraged by many aspects of society and is ignored or excused by many parents and caregivers. Ephesians 6:2, 3 -- Parents have God-given authority and have generally done much good for the children. They deserve to receive respectful treatment, including respectful speech and attitudes. (Matthew. 15:4; Prov. 6:20-23; 15:5; 23:22.) As I skimmed through the bible about verses that speak about raising children, I was stunned by a few bold ones, including: Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. I looked at Deuteronomy 21:18-21, and Leviticus 20:9, but quickly closed my book on those two verses.
As I sat there listening to the exchanges, I was baffled at some avoidable problems that crop up in relationships. Thse avoidable problems destroy promising relationships because one partner is either looking at one side of the situation, or frankly doesn't care about the how these things can undermine basic values in the relationship. Then again, I wondered how the Marriage Counselor would help the couple find a common ground. But just as I propped myself up in my seat when all eyes turned to the Marriage Counselor, the husband again took the stage. This time, his concern wasn’t about his son, but a promise that his wife made, but in his eyes, she has failed to fulfill the promise. Apparently, the wife had promised to help her husband complete a farming project he had initiated a few seasons ago. According to the husband, contrary to her promise, his wife hadn’t done so. In her defense, the wife said, aside the difficulties in transitioning, which would have made it impossible to embark on such a project so soon, she also hadn’t realized that the farming project was her husband’s family project, and not his alone, something she wasn’t aware of when she initially said she would help in completing.
The husband said he felt pained by the two situations, and his lukewarm attitude towards his wife and their relationship stemmed from what he considers his wife’s betrayal. The wife on the other hand expressed disappointment at her husband’s judgment in the situations, and wondered whether her husband sees her as a beast for the stance she had taken regarding his adult son, who refuses to speak to her, and engaging in a project that belongs to his family. The wife then began narrating some of the responses from her husband, and how sometimes she feels that her husband loathe, despise and hate her. “I didn’t know that it is because of these things you treat me like a trash,” the wife said with bewilderment in her eyes. The husband responded, "It pains me that you did not keep your promise to complete the farming project." The wife stressed, "I have not refused engaging in a project with you. I offered that we establish our own project, but you refused. You did not tell me that that project you informed me about belongs to your family."
The Marriage Counselor looked at both persons, and asked whether by speaking their feelings, they felt any relief. It was at that moment, my phone rang and I ran out to meet my colleagues. As I narrated the counseling session scenario to my colleagues, rather than discussed directly the issues from the counseling session, they moved the lecture to another level. Now here’s an excerpt of my colleague’s discussion:
Ernest: Appreciating your spouse is the recipe for creating a happy marriage. That means, everything in relationship - personal or professional relationship boils down to love and appreciation. Once there is some balance from both parties, all situations can be discussed and resolved.
Wanda: Ah, ah. Well, of all the people we appreciate in our lives, if we're married, most of us would say our spouse is at the top of the list. But saying that we appreciate them and showing them our appreciation are two different things.
Ernest: Yes, they are. Just ask any spouse. Most of us do not think that we are appreciated as much as we ought to be. But you know what? That requires two things. First, spouses have to be deliberate is showing compassion, and in showing appreciation for their spouse, but spouses have to recognize those responses as well. The responsibility goes both ways. We have to try harder at both ends.
Wanda: If you're guilty for taking your spouse for granted, then stay tuned because there’s a God's perspective on why our significant other is so amazingly significant.
The discussion between Wanda and Ernest faded as we moved on the congested streets. And our discussion moved from the counseling session to the traffic jammed in the city. I hope that people realized that the family needs to be a place of demonstrated love, and not a place to sow seeds of hatred. People must learn that there are two kinds of ways to say, "I love you." One is to say it; and one is to do it. The fact is that we don't choose between the two. We have to both demonstrate love and tell people we love them.
I pray that our friends at the counseling sessions will allow God to become a part of their lives. In that way, they can travel light, and grow from within.
Always,
musue
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